She will always be....

Our Daughter.

I was 33.5 weeks pregnant with our little Emory Pearl Payne when I went into the office Thursday January 19th, 2017.  Up to that point all my visits had been quick and easy, because that is how my entire pregnancy had been.  To that point there were no complications, no cause for concern, everything about the pregnancy indicated, two weeks prior, that both Emory and I were in prime condition.  So as I approached this appointment I had not a care in the world.  It didn't even phase me that I was attending the appointment alone, since Brian was away on a ship, fulfilling on the job training orders with the Navy.

Soon I was in the exam room, after having my weight and blood pressure noted.  I thought it was a little strange that I weighed in about 5-6 lbs less than I had at the previous appointment, but I didn't think about it too much, because nothing else seemed out of the ordinary. The doctor came to check my measurements and we were trying to listen to little Emory's heart. It seemed like she was being stubborn and moving to hide, as both the doctor and I felt like she was kicking. After and few unsuccessful minutes of trying to find Emory's heartbeat the doctor suggested we have an ultrasound done, because it would be easier to find her that way.

As I waited in the exam room for an ultrasound room to become available I received the first of many tender mercies. One of my afternoon appointments emailed to let me know they needed to reschedule freeing up my day quite a bit.

Walking to the ultrasound room the nurse and I talked about me being there alone, and Brian being out on a ship. She asked if I wanted her to sit in with me, so I wouldn't be alone during the ultrasound. This was the second tender mercy I received.

Laying there on the table, watching the screen as the ultrasound technician moved the picture to get a better view of little Emory, it didn't take long for me to recognize her little body, her beautiful head and face, her spine and ribs, her little arms and legs. The one thing that was painfully obvious was that there was no heartbeat behind that perfect little ribcage.  It was in that moment I knew, without any words needed, that our little angel wasn't here anymore.

In that moment, I was so grateful for tender mercy number 3. That is to say, when Brian left for his time on the ship he set out a plan for me to be able to reach him in the event of an emergency. While neither of us thought there would ever be a need for it, I had the email address of the Chaplain on board who regularly checked his email and would be able to get Brian on the phone to me in an hour or less.

So right there, as the technician was taking pictures and making notes I broke the rules, I used my phone to send out a quick message to the Chaplain that I needed Brian to call me as soon as possible. I knew I couldn't face anyone else until Brian knew what happened.  He needed to be the first to know.

The doctor came in, she sat with me, she cried with me, and we discussed next steps.  I needed to be induced, we could wait until Brian returned, the office can suggest funeral homes.  Honestly, most of that conversation is a blur, as my only thought at that point was how would I be able to tell Brian this terrible news over the phone?  Luckily, my doctor was very understanding, and knew that I was not in the frame of mind to think about those things at that moment, and she kindly scheduled an appointment for me to meet her in her office the next Tuesday.  Then she left me alone in the room, telling me to take my time before leaving.

So I did, I laid there an cried for what seemed like an eternity, but really was more like 15-30 minutes I guess.  I got up, redressed, and then sat and cried a little more.  When I was able to stem the tears I walked out to my car, where I sat and cried some more.  I struggled to process the situation, knowing that I would need to relay it to Brian soon.

In a bit of a foggy haze I drove to the office of a nearby client, whom I had arranged to pick up some important tax documentation from.  As I pulled into the parking lot the email came in from the ship's Chaplain.  He was looking for Brian and would have him call me shortly.  So I sat there in the parking lot of my client, waiting for a call that I never thought I would have to make.

Brian called, I told him, he was in shock, he asked me what he should do.  I told him to finish his orders, I would be fine.  Not knowing what to say, he commented, "She will always be our daughter."  This was the fourth tender mercy I received.  That brought me peace, because I knew he was right.  Since that phone call I've held onto that one truth, she will be waiting to meet us when our time on this earth is finished.

The fifth tender mercy came shortly on the heels of that phone call.  Walking into the client's office, this client being very dear to me because we have worked together for nearly two years, she could see I was hurting.  She guessed what happened and took me to a private room to cry with me.  She confided that her own daughter had just recently lost a baby as well, and while her daughter hadn't been as far along, she shared with me some of the things that helped her and her daughter through the difficult time.  She advised me to let the tears out, she joked that she never knew your cheeks could get chapped from crying so much.  (It only took me a few hours to realize how right she was on that note)  She made sure that I would have support, that I had someone I could reach out to so I wouldn't be alone.

That was the next thing I did.  I sent a text over to one of my girlfriends from church.  I asked if she wanted to get together that night, her place, my place, out for dinner, it didn't matter to me.  I was just looking for some company.  She readily agreed and we made plans to meet at her house after work. So in an attempt to keep myself busy, I went back to my office, also hoping to let my business partner know what happened.

The rest of the afternoon flew by, telling the people who would be most affected by my sudden absence.  I told one of my employees, who prayed with me, I told my business partner, Misty, who rushed back from an appointment to be with me, and help make arrangements regarding clients.  Amidst all that Brian called me again, after discussing the situation with his superiors it had been decided that Brian would come home, as early as that night.  This was tender mercy number six.  While I was on the phone with Brian my doctor called to check on me, becoming tender mercy number seven.  

The eighth tender mercy I received was Misty's help in submitting the necessary forms to get assistance in getting Brian off the ship.  I didn't know this until he was preparing to leave for this particular trip, but the Red Cross provides a program to allow family members to request communication and return of their service members who are on deployments.  The form needed to start that process is very detailed, and asks questions that are VERY blunt.  It was extremely difficult to fill in a box labeled "Reason for request" with "Death of child." Beyond that nothing mattered to me, but it felt like everything did to them.  I was so grateful that Misty took over answering all those seemingly pointless questions, because I just could not do it.

That afternoon I had so many phone calls, several from Brian, 3 or 4 from my doctor's office.  A call to my mom.  By the time I left work at 5 pm my whole world had changed from the time I arrived at work only 8 hours earlier.  Brian was confirmed that he would be home sometime the next day (Friday).  Mom was contacting the rest of my family, while looking for a way to get her and dad out here from Washington State the next day as well.  Lastly, but not least of all I was set to be induced the following Tuesday.  I was exhausted, so many tears, so much emotion.  So in search of a distraction I grabbed some take out and headed to spend quality time with Brittney and little Weston.

It was at Brittney's home, after telling her everything that had happened that day, I received the biggest of all the tender mercies I have ever received.  Her husband and another friend from church gave me a priesthood blessing.  In our faith, a priesthood blessing is believed to be inspired words, direct communication from God, our Heavenly Father, to the individual receiving the blessing.

My blessing was very special, something that I hold sacred.  In it I was promised many things.  I was reminded, again, of the Plan of Happiness (or Salvation) that will allow me to be with my daughter after this life.  I was given peace, comfort and most of all strength.  I was told many other things, about my purpose, about my family, about God's love for me.  From that point on I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace, a calming influence.  It made all the planing we needed to accomplish go by with such ease.

Since that day I've had many more tender mercies.  My in-laws getting lost, and winding up in the parking lot of the wonderful funeral home we ended up working with.  My family making the trip across the country to be here for us during those hardest of days.  The overwhelming outpouring of love and kindness from so many close to us.  The ability to make very difficult decisions without wavering, with full faith that the decisions made would be best for all involved in the long run.

Emory Pearl Payne was born Wednesday, January 25th.  We spend one beautiful day with her beautiful, precious, most sacred body.  God's greatest mercy to me has been, and will continue to be the knowledge I have that I will have many more days with my sweet, wonderful little girl.  Many times I have received a confirmation that she truly is our daughter forever.  

She is Eternally Ours

You can plan for a change in weather and time...

 ...But I never planned on you changing your mind

"Last Kiss"

I still remember the look on your face lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
Told me you loved me so why did you go away? Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane that July 9th,
The beat of your heart it jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss, never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then you pull me in

I'm not much for dancing but for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day when I don't miss those rude interruptions

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you that you wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time but I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss, never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips, just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss

Over the course of dating and relationships I have had experiences like the one described in the lyrics above.  I've found people I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and yet those relationships haven't lasted.  Yet the relationships that I thought would never work often turn out to be the ones that last the longest. Isn't it strange how life has a way of changing things up on you and pulling the most unusual tricks?  And why is it that when life plays these strange tricks we always feel as if we've done something wrong?  As if it is our fault that things didn't work?  We find all the flaws in ourselves and tear ourselves down because of things out of our control, and in the end just end up damaging ourselves even more.

I don't think this was the way life was meant to be.  "Men [and women] are that they might have joy"  What happened to that?  Happiness is a choice.  We can't let past mistakes and regrets overwhelm us.  ESPECIALLY in relationships.  We have to keep moving forward.  We have to keep learning and growing and becoming better individuals.

We don't need to think about all the things that we can't control.  We don't need to think about all the things that have already happened.  We don't need to worry about the future so much that we forget to think about today.  We need to trust, and love, and become alive in the love of Christ.  We need to live each day as if it is our last, because it truly could be.  Life is so fragile.  We need to remember that.  We need to remember to make each day better than yesterday.

I found this song called "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North and the song just hit me like a bag of bricks.  We really are more than we give ourselves credit for.  We are worth so much.  We need to remember who we are, where we came from and where we are headed.  Because when you know where you are going you will remember the way there.

Day 4 - Your Sibling

So I know this post is way overdue, and out of order, but I feel like today is the perfect day to do it.  I'm going to tell you a little bit about my younger brother Camdon, with some back story at the same time.

My brother Camdon and I are just two months shy of 4 years apart.  Him being the younger brother he was always doing things to drive me crazy.  As the years went by though, and all the older siblings moved out and on with their lives Cam and I were left at home.  During my high school years when it was just him and I living at home with our parents we got really close.  He would act like a tough guy and my protector around the guys I dated, and in truth he was very strong, and fearless (being the quarterback meant he had to be!)  I in turn would give him rides to whatever places he wanted to go, give him some (often ignored) dating advice, and we would confide in each other the things we didn't always feel we could tell our parents.

When he was 15, with the encouragement of several of my older siblings, (or possibly just lack of discouragement, I'm not completely sure which) Cam started drinking.  And drinking, and drinking and drinking.  It killed me to find that out, because for so long I had been trying to be the perfect LDS older sister who could be a good example and influence for him, where I knew my other siblings couldn't.  To be honest I went through a period of time after that where I didn't care about church or being good anymore, because I felt like there was no reason to work so hard to be so good if it had no effect on the one person I was trying to be a good example for, I would never be good enough so why try.  But really that is a different story for another day...back to Camdon.

So shortly after Cam started drinking he started partying too, also with some encouragement/lack of discouragement from siblings.  He started dating a very pretty young girl, and they got very serious.  Without going into too many personal details I have to say that between the drinking and off again on again relationship with this girl I was ALWAYS very worried about him.  Then my senior year of high school during a spring break trip to Northern Idaho for skiing/snowboarding my parents, Cam and I were given a very special experience. 
Our last day on the slopes my mom ordered us to make sure and get plenty of pictures, and definitely get one or two of Cam going off jumps.  Well we got to the end of our day and hadn't taken any pictures of Cam jumping, so on our last run we set it all up.  We got off the lift about 5 mins to 4, which was when the lifts shut off.  So we knew we were on the last run of the day and needed to be quick about it.  Well just a few yards down the run we had chosen to take that time around there was a little jump that we figured would be perfect to get pics from.  So I skied down a little ways below the jump and set the camera to record.  Well, in the video you see Cam go up, much higher than this little jump should have sent him, then fall, much too far much too fast.  You hear the impact without seeing it.  Had it not been for his instant screams and groans I would have been very scared for him.  But as it was, my first reaction after hearing his hollering was that he was joking around, because he had played pranks like that all week pretending to be hurt after going off a jump.  So it took me a few seconds to really believe him.  "Cam be serious, are you really hurt? Because if not we need to get out of here fast."  "Nichole, I'm not joking, I think I dislocated my shoulder get the ski patrol!"  So I ran, faster than I would ever have thought I'd run in ski boots.  Back up the hill to the top of the lift to call for ski patrol.  I got to the lift right as two ski patrol were getting off to check and make sure there were no stragglers anywhere...They came back to Cam and radioed the accident into the lodge where my parents were, told me to go ahead and meet them at the medical room in the lodge.
I skied that run faster than I think I've ever skied before or since.  When I got up to the lodge and into the medical room I was the only one there.  Then my parents came in with the ski patrol that had found them.  Shortly after that the snowmobile brought Cam in, writhing in pain with every slight movement.  They told us what they would do to help, gave him some over the counter drugs for the pain and we waited there in the lodge while all the other resort goers rode the 15 minute gondola down to their waiting cars.  Once the last people were to the bottom they put my family in a gondola car (not sure what they are actually called) and sent us down on the slowest possible setting, to minimize the movement and jostling that would cause Cam so much pain.  45 minutes later we were at our car, carefully helping Cam strip out of his ski gear and down into his street clothes beneath so we could take him across the freeway to the insta-care clinic.
When we got to the clinic the first thing they did was run an x-ray to see where any possible damage would be when putting the shoulder back into the socket.  What they found though, none of us were expecting or prepared for.  The x-ray showed that his arm was not, as we thought, dislocated.  It was completely broken at the joint where the ball of his shoulder meets the shaft of his upper arm.  He needed surgery, and the clinic didn't have a surgeon on call.  So we were sent to Coeur D'Alene which was a little over 45 minutes away.  I think at the clinic they gave him a small dose of morphine for the pain, just enough to get him to the other hospital.  We got him to the hospital in Coeur D'Alene and the surgeon on call said he could do the surgery, but that he would be required to go back up there every 6 weeks for post-op followup appointments which would be and 8 hour round trip drive.  So the doctor gave us the option of checking for surgeons closer to home.  Well my dad and the nurses started working on that while my mom and I started trying to contact someone who could come assist my dad in giving Camdon a blessing.  Well we were successful on both fronts.  My mom and I found someone in an LDS family history center who said they would come over, and my dad and the nurse were able to reach the orthopedic surgeon who had previously treated my mom.  The surgeon said he could fit the surgery in if we had Cam at his clinic by 9 am the next morning, if it was any later than that he wouldn't have time to finish before his normal schedule started.  By this time it was nearly 11 pm.  While we were trying to make the arrangements the men from the church came in and Cam was given a priesthood blessing.  In it he was promised that his pain would ease, and he would be able to sleep peacefully through the night and that the surgery would go according to plan.  He was also promised that he would gain a full recovery and have full use of his arm with no last damage to interfere with his love for sports.
Immediately after the blessing the nurse came in and told us we would have to take Cam home with us that night, because they couldn't admit him for pain management unless they were going to be the hospital doing the surgery.  So they gave him a double dose of morphine and a prescription for vikodin.  But her comment was that he wouldn't be able to sleep that night, because the morphine would wear off in under an hour and he would be in too much pain for the vikodin to really help enough.
Well by the time we left the hospital it was almost midnight, and we needed to get his prescription filled, go back to our condo and pack everything up to go home, and drive the 6 hours from the condo to the clinic all before 9 am.  When we got back to the condo Cam was out cold, so with a little help from my dad I carried/half dragged him into the condo and onto the pull out bed in the small living area so he would be out of the way for all the packing.  Then my parents and I had a race against time to get a weeks worth of stuff cleaned up from EVERYWHERE and packed into our suburban.  When we finished packing Cam still hadn't woken up from the morphine coma, and we couldn't get him to wake up for a dose of vikodin so that it wouldn't be so bad when all the morphine was out of his system. So instead we all took a short nap until it would be time to get on the road for the Tri-Cities.
Unfortunately, since we were all so tired none of us heard any of the multiple alarms we had set, and we left over an hour and a half later than we needed to.  And still Cam hadn't really woken up, we got him awake enough to walk himself to the car with help, and take a dose of the pain meds then as soon as we put him in the front seat reclined he was asleep again.  Which was such a blessing, because at that point my dad FLEW.  I think he set the cruise control around 90-95, and surprisingly there was not a single police car in that stretch of highway that is normally very highly patrolled.  We made it to the clinic 15 minutes late, so we were all very worried that the doctor wouldn't take him in.  But when we got inside the people at the front desk said the doctor was there and ready to make it happen.  So they took some more images and then the doctor came out to explain to my parents the complications that he had found.  Normally he would have just put in a plate but Cam's growth plates hadn't closed, meaning he was still growing, and a plate would stunt the growth in that arm and make the lengths of his two arms measurably different.  So the other option was more complicated, and to be honest I don't know how or why it worked, but instead of a plate they put in screws.  And Cam had the fastest recovery the doctor had ever seen.  Now he has a scar from where they cut him open, but he can use his arm just fine, and he doesn't have any problems with it at all.

Anyway, he finished high school and had a very clearly laid out plan for school and the rest of his life.  He had told me on more than one occasion that his life after high school wasn't going to involve the church we had grown up in.  He didn't feel like it was a part of him, and he wasn't interested in changing his partying ways to make room for it.  Regardless of his views toward religion, he chose a very good private Catholic school in Montana, for its rigorous program that would help him be qualified for top choice dental programs.  He finished his freshman year there with lots of struggles and considered dropping out a time or two.  But he stuck it out and finished, then returned home for the summer.

Now this is where the story gets a little more crazy.  At the end of July my 15 year old nephew drowned.  The death took a deep toll on my family, but especially on Camdon.  At the viewing he couldn't talk to anyone, he was so torn up, and I could tell he was really questioning life.  I was worried again, thinking that he would turn to anger, and push even farther away from the church.

Well here it is about a month later, and life has gone on.  Cam was scheduled to go back to school and start classes this week.  Last Thursday he left for school, yet Tuesday he was back at my parents house.  This is the story I was eventually told:  He couldn't stay at Carroll, he had a very strong feeling that he didn't belong there.  He also felt that he needed to be home, where he can get his life back in order and go on a mission.  So that is what he is doing.

Now you might not find that to be a big deal, but for our family that is HUGE.  I've always hope Cam would come back to church, as I'm sure my parents have as well.  And when Jayson died I couldn't shake the feeling that something good would come from it.  I understand now what that feeling was.  Jayson's death shook up Cam's world, and I have no doubt that it was shook just enough to let our Heavenly Father in.  Between Cam letting Heavenly Father in, and Jayson being on the other side working on his whole family to get them all back, this is a victory for us all.  I know Camdon will be an AMAZING missionary with all that he has experienced, and I know that this is just the first of many miracles that will have come from Jayson.

Day 2 My Crush

As weird as it is for me, right now I don't really have a crush on any particular guy.  Typically there is at least one that I'm interested in, but I've been trying to take a break from guys in general, because the dating scene frustrates me, A LOT.  So instead of talking about one guy I will describe what type of guy I typically am interested in.

So as far as physical features go, I tend to go for guys that are 5'9' or taller, because I LOVE my high heels, and I'm not so much a fan of being taller than a guy I date.
Dark hair and blue eyes are my deadly combination.  Any blue eyes are attractive, but pair them with dark hair and I'm pretty much sold.
A good hair cut/style.
The guy has to have good hygiene.  I understand if he is smelly after just working out, but if he doesn't take showers, that is a deal breaker.  Also, if he wears his cologne too strong I am not likely to stick around.

And that is pretty much it on the outside.  The rest is personality.  The guy I date has to have a good sense of humor.  I grew up in a family that was very sarcastic, so I am by default very sarcastic...I joke around A LOT, and I have to be able to know that my guy will understand when I'm joking.  He also needs to be sensitive enough that he can tell when something ISN'T a joke.  Certain topics aren't joking matters, so the guy I am interested in will be able to pick up on that.  He'll have a good balance between being plan oriented and spontaneity.  I love doing random things spur of the moment, but I also enjoy a nice, well planned activity too.  He has to be able to communicate his thoughts and emotions at least 70% of the time, because I'm not a mind reader. 

Most importantly though, he has to be able to love me for who I am, with all of my flaws and imperfections.  And I have to be able to be comfortable around him.

Day 1 My Best Friend

So it is a little difficult to add to my last post about my best friend.  So I'm not going to try, for today, I'm just going to refer you to the post below "There's a point in every true friendship where friends stop being friends..."
It says everything I can presently say about my best friend Annalisa, and took me months to perfect, so it is a good one :-)

30 posts in 30 days

So I have seen several of these lists, and decided that I will participate as well.  I want to get into a habit of posting more often, and this gives me topics to work with.  So here is a modified list, combined from several.  Now you know what to look forward to (-:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — Your most prized talent
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — Someone that makes you smile every time you think of them
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Your favorite song
Day 15 — A character trait you would like to develop
Day 16 — A Country/State you'd love to visit
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Something about you that people make lots of comments on
Day 20 — A stranger
Day 21 — Something you don't know a lot about but would like to
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — Your biggest challenge right now
Day 26 — The person you know will never disappoint you
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

There's a point in every true friendship where friends stop being friends...

...and become sisters.

There is one thing that I truly know about my best friend Annalisa.  And that one thing is that we were meant to be sisters.  She and I have been together ever since I moved to the sleepy little town of Selah, Washington.  Now...that isn't to say we've always been best friends.  I'll be honest, when I first moved to Selah I didn't really like Annalisa that much.  We were in the same ward at church, and I felt like she was ALWAYS competing to be the center of attention.  It didn't take me that long to overcome that thought though.  (Don't get me wrong, she does love being the center of attention (-; but I love that about her now, because we typically share the spotlight as two halves of a whole)

When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.

In 5th 6th and 7th grade Annalisa shared a tight knit group of friends.  We felt like we were on top of the world, because we had friends who would always stand by us, no matter what.  Those years in intermediate school were great.  So much time spent having fun.  But then like it always does, life changed.  That tight knit group of friends decided there was something wrong with me, and my world turned upside down.  I can't tell you how many days I went home and cried alone in my room over the friendships that were breaking, and how bad it broke my heart to know what those "friends" thought of me.  Through it all though, Annalisa was one of 3 people in the entire school who stood by me during the hardest time in my teenage years.  And I do mean the hardest time, because not only did most of my friends decide to desert me, but my family was also being turned upside down with my parents on the brink of divorce, and both of my sisters getting pregnant.  With all that happened in my life the year I turned 13 I was forced to become an instant adult.  Suddenly I was not the carefree teenager, I had responsibilities to my family that normal teens don't have.  Annalisa understood that, and she helped me in ways I never would have guessed could be possible.  Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings forget to fly.  Annalisa really was that angel for me.  In so many ways I had forgotten how to fly, and she helped me stand when I felt like giving up. No matter the battle, as best friends we fought it together.

"If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile... But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me."

Eight years after my family moved to Selah, Annalisa and I were 16.  We were in High school, and starting to date...and it never ceased to amaze me the trouble we could get ourselves into.  But no matter what, we were always there for each other.  I can't remember how many times I had to chew out some boy for being dumb, or explain what dumb things meant to Annalisa so that dumb boys wouldn't take advantage of the fact that she was so sweet and innocent, and in some cases a little too trusting.  By the time we hit high school we really were inseparable...two of the three musketeers...(We really did have a third musketeer)...week days we had school and sports practices...weekends were spent at each other's houses doing homework for the classes we shared...We both learned to swing dance, and spent lots of time (the first Friday of each month) dancing with two of our best guy friends, Joey and Johnny.  During those days we forged the strongest friendships ever...that is when we truly became family.  To this day we share inside jokes and secret adventures that go back to our early days of driving and dating.  "Don't worry, we aren't *this way*, we're *this way*"  "Hey guys I wonder if they have a bathroom in here"  and Ellensburg Stake Conference.  (-:  That's right, Neno, you know what I'm talking about.

 

Everyone hears what you say...friends listen to what you say...best friends hear what you can't put into words.

After graduation I went through a rough time in my life.  I was on a self-destructive path filled with bad decision after wrong turn.  I was finding new friends, and most were bad news.  The saddest part of all was the fact that I was keeping secrets like I never had before...from my parents, from my siblings, from my best friend.  It didn't matter though, that I was hiding things from her, because little did I know, she could see it written all over my face. I still remember the night when she took my by both shoulders and said "Nichole, tell me."  I played dumb trying to act like I didn't know what she wanted me to say, but she knew, and she wanted me to tell her.  So I laid everything out there, for hours we talked and cried and talked and cried then just cried some more.  Never a judgment did she pass, instead she calmed and consoled me.  She was there to help, not condemn.  It was that night that I knew, beyond a shadow of doubt, that ours was not just a friendship.  We were bound in such a way that we would eternally be together, as sisters.



A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

 So for some reason I think this picture and quote exemplify Annalisa.  She is the kind of person who will stick her tongue out anytime she doesn't like what you have to say...just for the shear fact that it acts as her defiance.  In  so many ways Annalisa tries to remain a child...finding the fun in everything...never wanting to grow up and get grumpy....which is why I have SO many fond memories of times when she literally would poke people with straws and do other things that most would consider absurd....but that is part of why I love Annalisa, because she can keep me having fun and living like a kid...

The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove to you they need you in theirs.

When Annalisa decided to serve a mission, it seemed to me like Satan started working overtime.  So many things happened that made it hard for her to get her papers submitted.  And even after she got her mission call things came up that nearly kept her from going.  Anything and everything under the sun happened, from boy drama to family drama, all of it was very discouraging for her.  In all the time that we have been friends, I think this was the only time that I was able to be 1/2 as good of a friend to her as she has been to me.  She needed me, and I was so happy to be able to be there for her.  She was always there for me, and she inspired me, so to be able to return the favor to some small fraction of a degree made me so happy.  In the end she got to Brazil on time, and everything has been working itself out ever since.

The words that escape a friend's mouth are "I'll be there when you say you need me" but the words that are unheard from a true friend's heart are "I'll be there... whether you say you need me or not."

I am ashamed to say that I am a TERRIBLE letter writer.  I have the hardest time consistently writing to my friends who are on missions.  It is a problem I have always had.  One that I deeply dislike.  So when Annalisa left for her mission I made a promise to her, and to myself that I would write to her EVERY week.  And at first I kept to that promise.  Then like it always does, life changes.  I became 100% committed to a relationship, and I wrote to Annalisa all about it.  Telling her all the wonderful things that I loved about it.  She wrote back so excited for me, and wanted even more information about the relationship.  When the relationship ended I was devastated, and with each letter she kept asking about it, I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was over.  So I stopped writing.  It killed me.  I hated that she was out there in Brazil and I wasn't willing to talk to her when I had the chance.  Several months went by like this.  No contact at all.  Then out of nowhere while I was checking my email I noticed a short little note from her.  All it said was "Hey! I wrote you back! did you get my letters!!! write me back! I miss you! love you!!"  And I broke down, telling her everything in a letter....a real letter.  I pulled out all the stops, and didn't hold anything back.  The next thing I know I had another email from her.  In it she told me "I want to you to know that Ive been thinking about you a lot these last couple of months and praying for you too. I knew there was something wrong. Call it intuition, or just the love of a best friend and sister but i knew. Oh Nichole, how i wish i could be there with you right now to give you a hug and tell you it will all be alright. When i got your letter, i cried because i could feel your pain through the letter and i just want you to be happy."  She told me how she had the feeling I needed her help.  But I hadn't written to her so there was no way for her to know why.  That email turned me around, and I told her that.  Between telling her everything that happened and her responding in her ever loving way I felt as if a HUGE weight was lifted, and I could breathe again.  And because of that, I haven't quit writing her again.  She comes home in less than 200 days, and yes...I'm counting EVERY ONE of them. :-)

There is one friend in the life of each of us who seems not a separate person, however dear and beloved, but an expansion, an interpretation, of one's self, the very meaning of one's soul. ~Edith Wharton

For all that has happened, every minute detail of my life, Annalisa has been with me.  On this roller coaster of life she has been right beside me at the deepest depressions and the happiest of highs.  For that I am eternally grateful.  I know that we will stay together as friends for the rest of our lives, and we have even more roller coaster to get through.

To my best friend:
I will stay up all night talking to you so you never feel alone (you’ll have to deal with me in the morning though)
I’ll make sure your crush stays liking you over ANYONE (physical violence may be required)
I will cancel plans in a second for you (even if it’s a date with Zac Efron!)
I would rather hold you while you’re cry, than be partying with anyone (YES ANYONE)
If someone breaks your heart, I’ll break their face (with pleasure)
I’ll make sure you KNOW you ARE the best thing in the world (once you become conceited this deal is off!)
I’ll work my butt off to get you what you wanted for Christmas (This does not include Edward Cullen)
I’d buy the whole world to make you smile (Because everyone wants a globe)
I’ll go on talking like an idiot till you laugh (or punch me out… whichever one makes you happy)
I would throw myself in front of a bullet/truck/crazy manic to make sure you were okay (I expect you to be at my hospital bed EVERY SECOND)
I will never pick another living soul over you in my life (but dead souls are a different story…)
If you ever need someone to pick you up I AM THERE, if I can’t pick you up, I’ll lay there with you... (I’d prefer to lay its easier)
I will promise to never leave till you want me too, and my arms will still be waiting for you when you want me back (but then again who would ever want ME to leave!)
I promise all this because I know I will never find another person like you, SO WHY TRY!